Hello everyone,

Id like to share something and ask for your advice... my husband whom I love greatly, has always had a tendancy to "make a big deal" about things I find completely small. Such as a sudden small change of schedule, the sound of a clock ticking (he took the batteries out of my bedside table clock the day we got married haha) etc. He also hates crowds and doesnt like socialising at all unless the group is very small, and even then.... he also hates having his hands dirty, is an EXTREMELY fussy eater, doesnt like being touched, hugged or even kissed on the cheek. (He is perfectly normal when it comes to... intimate times but if its not that, its nothing.) He just has all these little "quirks" that have led me to believe that he by nature is simply a fussy, easily aggravated, over serious person. I came to accept it but it gets me down sometimes and I get frustrated with him for being the wet blanket of life sometimes. I assumed his mother spoilt him and that his dad deprived him of love and the two mixed together just made him the way he is. Seeing as I am quite a happy go lucky person who likes surprises, socialising and trying new things... we were and are, kinda an opposite match made in heaven. Although he annoys me and I annoy him... we NEED each other. I need him because he has many wonderful qualities that I dont have. And he needs me for different qualities. But I guess his behavior/attitude was kinda getting me down.

Fast forward to a few months ago. A mother at our local playgroup has a son...who reminded me alot of my husband. The boy is 4 and she informed me that he has SPD... To which I went "SPwho?!?!" She sent me a link to a website which explained spd in kids. ... I read it and found it interesting but didnt make the connection with my husband still.

Tonight... a few months later, hubby and I were eating out with our two small children (he doesnt like eating out so its rare). We were out on the balcony in a cosy corner since he can't stand being in a crowded cafe or around too much noise. The floor was kind of like a wooden boardwalk. After about 5 mins I could see his face was doing its thing again. He gets this frown and he goes real quiet. I asked him what's wrong? He said
"Cant you feel that??"
Me: "Feel what?"
Him: "That... the floor. Bumping. "

Me: "................ what, you mean when people walk to there tables and the floor slightly vibrates?"
Him: "YES...ugh...why dont they just sit down?"
Me: .......... "its barely noticeable... its certainly not worth getting irritated over it."
Hubby quietly looses his mind mind whilst appearing appearing perfectly composed with a twinkle of "I want to pull my hair out" in his eyes. ....

It was at this point the pin dropped. And when our 18 month old son flicked his straw and a tiny bit of water landed on hubbys hand and he immediately searched for a serviette to remove the droplet of water... I was convinced.

Me: "honey, have you ever heard of sensory processing disorder?" He hadnt. On the way home I googled symptoms, came up with this site and we did the test together. He has SO MANY of the symptoms. He kept saying "yes, yep, story of my life"... we are both convinced he has SPD. And always has since a child. This was a breakthrough in itself. Hubby started to immediately make sense of himself.... and I immediately began to feel horribly guilty. Because some of his behavior hurt and offended me in the past which made me feel guilty. And some of his behavior made me feel angry and think he was being childish. .. knowing that its actually a disorder changed everything and to put it bluntly made me feel like $hit.

After a long talk about it he came out with the remark "ah well now you can understand me better" and it was said in a manner that suggested that this was the end of it. Us knowing means I now have to silently put up with it, end of story. I replied carefully
"Yes it really helps me to understand you better and to sympathize with you. Of course I wont be happy to just now get on with life though. Now that we know I think getting officially diagnosed so we can look Into how you can get some help would be good."

To which he responded with the first excuse he could come up with and with an attitude said "oh yeh and how much would that cost do you think?"sarcastically.

I responded that I dont know. Im willing to find out and do the research if he is willing to consider getting some help to manage the disorder.

He got stroppy and didnt want to talk about it anymore...

So that was that and here I am. Where do I go from here? Im happy we now know whats going on with him. And sad that we never knew sooner. I want to be supportive and understanding but I don't want him to use the disorder as an excuse now to be rude and cold whenever he feels like it. I understand his behaviors are not really a xhoice but I also feel he has a responsibility to now get the help he needs to manage the condition. For his own sake and for mine and the kids.

I know its still fresh. he only discovered all this today! But I want to know where to go from here. I want to be an encouragement but not a nagger. I want to be understanding, but not a doormat if that makes sense.
Words of advice? Links to websites? We are in Australia.

Thanks in advance!

Fellow Aussie here who went through the discovering she has it herself at the start of the year (my nephew has it, bro ended up suggesting it after physio had said I was hypersensitive to pain. Suddenly my world made sense!).

First thing - good on you for looking further into this. Sometimes it can be hard to get people to accept help and that change can happen, but the more information you're armed with, the better.

Second thing - it's hard to get your head around the diagnosis. When you've been living with this all your life and suddenly somebody goes 'oh, it's not just that you're odd, there's an explanation for it!' it takes awhile to process that. There will be anger, sadness, introspection. Frustration that things could have been different. Your husband will likely go through this process. He's probably also feeling a lot of frustration with himself that these things do effect yours and your childrens' lives as well.

Cost - actually not that bad in Australia. You'll need to get your GP to refer you to an Occupational Therapist - they're the people who make the diagnosis and will be able to provide intervention/management skills. This website: http://www.otaus.com.au/ is the list of OTs in Australia. Go to the find an OT link at the bottom, speciality sensory integration, and look in your area. Hopefully there will be some OTs that come up. Ring around, see who diagnoses/treats SPD in adults and is taking new patients. Once you've got a name, then you can see your GP, bring along info about SPD with you (a lot of GPs have never heard of it), and get a referral.

Now, when I first called my OT the cost she quoted for the first session was higher than the rest by a fair bit. That was because mostly they do a full written report on you from the first session which adds on greatly to the cost. In my case, I really couldn't see the use of having it (more useful if you need to have something for a workplace or if it's your child for school), so my cost jumped back down to the normal session cost of around $120 (will vary from OT to OT), with getting back some through my private health care.

The OT can provide a variety of intervention/management skills and ways to think about things to minimise the issue, and how to create a sensory diet. For me, the brushing protocol has been one of the best, as well as starting yoga. I haven't had a huge number of sessions with the OT as she's given me a lot to help me get through day to day life.

If you have some hard facts/numbers to give your husband, showing that it may not be so bad cost-wise to look into this, then he hopefully will come around. But do give him some time. It takes time to process through everything. Another really good help can be Sharon Heller's books. She has a new one out (there's a post about it on the forum) but also the book Too Loud, Too Fast, etc. I found really useful for understanding what was going on with me.

Also look at other posts on here, people posting about their own journeys.

Finally - I know this hasn't been easy for you. Hopefully with time things will get easier.

Thanks so much for all the information!! My hubby is a bit of a scrooge when it comes to healthcare. He hadnt been to the dentist in 7 years and finally went because of toothache. He needed a root canal... he told them to just pull it out coz its cheaper (he is only in his 30s so the dentist was horrified hahaha). He hates seeing the doctor partially because of the germs he knows are around. And hates paying for any kind of medical thing. Money is tight and I know he will say no to $130 a session.... so ill have to promote the benefits and reasons why its worth it and hopefully slowly convince him to go!

Also, he hates reading because the SPD interferes. He cant focus without getting muddled up after a short time and its a huge effort. Prior to knowing about SPD we thought he may have been dyslexic. But ill get the book and read it myself and hopefully itll spark his interest so ill be able to read it to him.

Thanks again for all the information, much appreciated!

Thing is, he may not need many sessions at all to give him some things to start managing his life and make things easier. I got shown the brushing protocol and given my brush in the second session, and it's been one of the most useful things for me. I think I've had 4 sessions over this year. That's it. My OT is also happy for me to email to ask quick questions.

To give you some more ammunition:
Why OT is helpful:
- When I'm heading to overload/meltdown, I now can mostly tell that I'm heading in that direction and use mitigation techniques to stop it.
- When I'm going to be doing something that I know is going to be sensory stressful, I can work to calm my body before and then throughout
- Understanding the different aspects of how SPD affects things, things that I hadn't realised before.
- Figuring out what is calming - for me classical music, yoga, running my hands through marbles/smooth rocks, weighted blankets (wonderful!), firm hugs, brushing protocol, getting back to nature (out somewhere on a walk with nothing but nature sounds), exercise. When driving on long trips I now put three wheat heat packs that are designed for draping around your neck/shoulders across my upper legs. The weight helps keep my body calmer.
- Understanding limits - that when you put multiple things together that are stressful over a period of time you're more likely to end up with a bad outcome and need to do more mitigation
- Rearranging when I shop so that I don't get triggered by the shopping centre (now mostly first thing on Saturday morning, so much quieter then!)

For us, there can also be a fear - who am I without this? If I get it 'dealt' with, who am I? Thing is, it's always going to be there, but I can manage my life a lot more easily now.

Unfortunately it sounds like you might have to be the one to learn about it at the moment, but it's great that you're willing to. I've had varying reactions from telling people in my life about SPD, but mostly supportive, and that's a huge help.

Oh, my. I could have written that. Quite certain my husband has SPD. For so many years it was simply quirks, lack of patience/tolerance, even diagnosed agoraphobia. In the past he saw counselors for depression. Even AA. (16 years sober! ) But as he ages, and the longer I've lived with him (24 years) all those little things, and a few BIG ones, have started to add up. Maybe I was so focused on our children that I was dismissive of his behavior. But the kids are growing up and moving on and Husband and I have many, many years ahead together. This scares the peewaddle out of me!

Let me be clear that I love my Husband. He really likes me, too! We have been through much and have a rich, blessed life. I have always thought, however, that if he were happier our life would be so much better. If he could sleep through the night, if we could go to a party, if we could eat out more (or not in the dark corner), if I could play music while I cook and have him in the kitchen chatting with me, if he didn't turn out lights that I just turned on, if opening the drapes in the bedroom were not such an assault every morning, if he looked forward to his day, if he finished projects... Add increasing age to all this and the picture isn't pretty. I imagine us sleeping in different bedrooms so that I can read, or cough, without disturbing him. I am tired of doing the laundry and vacuuming and other noisy chores while he is out. I see a sad image of me sitting in a chair in a dimly lit quiet room knitting with silent needles less he frown. I secretly hope his hearing goes at an early age. Something has got to change.

The tipping point for me was at a lovely family night with the teens playing a game and eating around the table. Husband spent the first part of the evening adjusting all the lighting. He has a hard time following the quick flowing conversation and after awhile I noticed the kids just didn't include him. And then, oh this hurt, he was offended by my laugh. I laughed 'too loud', apparently, and my mirth irritated him to the point he had to leave the room. This was a new one. He has always loved my laugh. I didn't like where this was going.

And so began my internet search. I do not know how to approach him with the idea of SPD with out the option for some follow through.

I think of all the ways our family has altered our lifestyle to suit his needs. No slumber parties for my daughter. The house is quiet by 10. (9 if he had his druthers.) We socialize very little. We take separate cars almost everywhere so he has a way to leave. (Church, school functions, visiting relatives, etc) Vacations are a challenge- no packing 6 people in a tiny hotel room, that's for sure! He will not shop. It would be a joy to do that together. I have adapted by having lunch dates with friends instead of dinner parties. The kids and I host one or two things a year, at times when Husband is gone, but would prefer to include him in more.

Thank you for posting on this thread. This is kinda my project for the year. Research is one thing, but application is another. Hoping for solutions for all.

So you spent one night in the SPD bedrooms, How was the room and their interior and bed linen?