It's been taking a little time, but the more I read up on other people's stories and their life with SPD/their children with it, the more I'm realizing that it's okay to be "like this". It's not something that's going to ruin my life and make it end today, but it's just going to be another obstacle to overcome. That's just going to make me stronger in the end!

I'm also realizing that something doesn't have to be physically painful for it to be a problem- a misconception I had at the beginning. Just because it doesn't hurt me physically to have multiple sounds, beeps and whirrs around me doesn't mean that it isn't a problem when I can't concentrate, or that I get irritated and upset easily. I'm still a capable adult (or teenager as it may be)!

I've been in contact with a lovely OT via e-mail for the past month, getting helpful tips and reassurance that I'm not alone, nor am I doomed or even crazy. There's just certain things that I can't do because my body is too sensitive to them. There are ways I can help myself, and I'm already realizing them as I start out a bit of a routine. It's a great start!

But also, lately, I've been taking a look at my daily life and trying to focus in on things I usually ignored or shrugged off. I'm noticing that these too are signs/symptoms of SPD itself, and now I'm able to actually pinpoint what sense is doing what, when I do this kind of movement. It's making sense!

Like recently I caught myself banging my feet together while I'm laying on my stomach. I'm cracking my ankle joint and constantly pushing my feet under things. Before I just thought that was normal, but then I'd look around and see no one else doing it, so I'd think I'm crazy. Now I realize it's my proprioceptive system seeking input, deep pressure especially. I realize that when I roll over and cling to my body tightly, I'm just trying to calm myself down and "regulate" myself. Curling up under 3 comforters is just my way of hiding from painful or irritating stimulation, as well as calming me by adding pressure. I just see it as a bonus in winter time

My audio processing and speaking issues are just because things get mixed up and jumbled too quickly in my head. It's not because I'm losing my hearing or because I'm stupid, because I can follow the directions perfectly fine once they're written down for me! I just can't remember it if it's spoken to me all at once. That's okay, because I can improve on it by having others help me help myself.

I noticed some physical problems aren't quite "normal" behavior either. I never really have been around other kids my age, so I never got to see what they could do. I thought everyone struggled to stay upright on a scooter or a bike, and it's just something they overcame.

But I saw my 10 year old friend push off of his wave board without any problem, a simple plastic board supported by only two wheels that turned and leaned very easily. I saw his 4 year old sister riding her bike without any trouble, climbing on furniture and hanging off of things without showing any signs of struggling physically. I tried to do what they did- I tried the wave board and the scooters, but I couldn't get on. For me, a triumph was simply standing still on it while holding onto the car beside me. For me, a triumph was getting two rotations with a hoola-hoop, even though my 10 year old buddy could do 50+ easily. That's okay, I bet I can still beat him when it comes to something else! ;3

It's still upsetting, but I'm realizing new things and making connections. Most of all, I'm accepting it as part of me, and just something that I have to live with. I'm not looking for perfection, simply improvement- and I'll say that I definitely have been making some sort of (at least emotional!) improvement.

I am so glad you are getting to acceptance. Remember, it's not a linear progression. There'll be some days where you say "why?!" and want to rant at the world and rage. That's ok, too. Really, there is a bit of grief processing, having to face all these unrealistic expectations and "stuff" that you've faced during your life. And it's ok, wonderful that you are deliberately processing that. But if you have moments that you feel less "adjusted" to it than others, you don't have to feel like you've failed at acceptance or being yourself. Love yourself, live your life, accept your feelings because they're yours, and know that we're all here for you, regardless of if you're crying or cheering.

That means a lot to hear after last night's breakdown. <3 *hugs tight* I guess it is ok to cry when you need to, even though I wish I didn't have to.

Here's one way to look at it. When you are crying, you are honoring that hurt little girl inside of you who is stuck between unrealistic expectations and an inability to do what is asked of her. You're giving her a chance to let the world know that what she feels is important, too. That is very sane and good and, while uncomfortable, totally normal. And she deserves to express herself. She is worth it. You are worth it. (In case you're wondering, I wrote the post here before I read your blog. ♥)