I don't really know where to begin and I'm not feeling confident today at all. Right of the bat I want to mention that I haven't been officially diagnosed. I'm not sure what kind of reaction that might get. I hope people are understanding of that fact that I'm just here to feel less alone and maybe get some advice to help me feel like less of a freak.

I guess I'll start of with the typical details. My name is Jenica and I'm 28. I can't remember a time without some sort of sensory issue, and honestly they seem to become more and more as the years go by. As a baby/child my mom always described me as a "touch-me-not". I wasn't a snugly, cuddly baby or child, unless it was on my own terms, and that was few and far between from what I've heard. This is still true today. Often even the most well meaning touches, a hug or kiss from a family member or significant other, will make me cringe inside and often feel physically painful. I'm so overly ticklish that even touching myself at times is just too much. I don't even like the term "ticklish." it sounds like something that should be fun, but it's just not. Flat out, it's one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. There are days, like today, that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. My fingers and toes resting naturally against each other, is bothering me. I'm just having a bad day.

It started out this morning. Mornings are always hard for me. Normally it's just the matter of brushing my teeth. I've got issues with texture, especially in my mouth (Popsicle sticks, envelopes, nuts, coconut, foamy things just to name a few). I brush my teeth everyday, just like everyone should, but it is so much of a struggle to complete the task. I have to hurry up and get everything brushed before the gagging becomes too much and I end up in a heaving fit that often leads to broken capillaries in my face and around my eyes. Well this morning, before I even had the chance to brush my teeth a smell sent me into one of these gagging fits. A smell of something that I love, and eat regularly... hummus. I don't know what it was at this particular moment but immediately the gagging started and proceeded for almost half an hour. By the time I got myself calmed down I had dry heaved so much my face was in splotches and my nose was bleeding quite heavily. This just isn't normal. It's not normal to struggle to do every day things, like brush your teeth or put an envelope in the mail. It's not normal to not enjoy a hug or a cuddle from your significant other. And today, I'm just having a rough time with all of it.

There are other things too. Lights and sounds. Arguing or even lengthy debates. Things that cause me to literally just shut down and zone out. My intense fear of falling. The desire to wash my hands so many times throughout the day. By the end of a work day all I want to do is curl up and decompress. I'll find myself sitting alone in my empty living room with nothing on for an hour or more sometimes before I'm able to proceed with the normal at home things that need to be done.

I really don't know where I'm going with all of this. I congratulate those of you that have made it this far in reading it. I guess I just want to feel less alone. Less abnormal. I wish I knew what to do for some of these things. Faking it only gets me so far. I fake my way through a handshake easy peasy, but you can't do that in a relationship. They get so hurt when you jump and spasm at every touch. They don't believe that they're not doing anything wrong or that you can't help it. Faking just builds up until things overflow and I think I've reached that point today. Writing all this just brings tears, the tears burn my cheeks and I just don't want to feel like this anymore. So please, if you feel inclined, I'm open to hearing your stories and suggestions.

Thank you for listening. I appreciate there being a group like this out there.