All my life I’ve been aware of my differences than the rest of those around me, yet unable to put them into plain words for the world to understand. Until recently I’ve been on a fruitless journey searching for their cause and origin. The silent wounds run deep of constantly being labeled and misunderstood. I scream until my lungs hurt and scratch at the walls until my fingers are raw but nobody hears me.
Their cold comfort is ever present in every aspect of my life both large and small. Over the years I learned and been forced to stifle. Much of the time I force my feelings to go numb. However, there are days where they bounce around in my head and I cannot rid myself of them. The thoughts gnaw at every part of my being. They immobilize my words, emotions, and physical being. If only “you” could understand so I can be heard. I wish “you” could understand me clearly the way I vision it in my head.
I hear everything you say…but sometimes I don’t interpret all the words even though I am listening. While you are speaking, I can also hear the TV in the background, the dog outside barking, and the kids arguing. Sometimes everything I hear jumbles together making it complicated for me to decipher and then remember everything as I would like. Often it ends up biting me in the ass when the conversation is brought up at a later time and I cannot remember things clearly. I feel foolish and humiliated. Please know…I am listening, in fact, I CONSTANTLY remind myself to try and block everything else out so I can hear and remember what is being said. This often leads to me tapping my foot or chewing my nails. By doing so, it quiets my thoughts, enabling me to focus better on what you are saying.
Often times I don’t perceive what you are trying to say because I hear something different. When you say, “do you listen to me when we have a conversation?,” I feel so humiliated and interpret as something like…”what is wrong with you stupid!!!” I’ve heard it all my life and hate that part about myself. I wish my mind was clear and calm all the time….just so I can remember. I wish I didn’t have to pretend like I didn’t hear what you said even though we probably had an eye to eye conversation. Or question myself…and dig as deep as I can and cannot recollect any details. Do you have any clue how ignorant I feel? It makes me angry, humiliated, and frustrated which often leads to an outburst where I say something dumb. It is hard for me to annunciate what I am feeling, in particular when everything is happening at once. It is almost impossible for me to put my jumbled bouncing thoughts into clear meaning.
When I lay down at night, I could never understand why I rub my feet together in order for me to relax my body and mind. The best way to explain this is the constant rubbing is like a pressure valve. I know my constant stirring irritates you and gets under your skin…thus try to lay still and quiet until you drift off to sleep. When I lay still I can feel my heart rate escalate and my mind begins to race. Often times this leads to me being wide awake until I can self regulate again...which sometimes requires several more hours.
You’ve also probably wondered why I prefer to use a heavy blanket throughout the year when I go to bed. I cannot stand when the skin on my legs touches for prolonged periods of time, thus use a heavy blanket to separate my legs and arms. The soft cushioned material between my knees and joints is comforting. I will even put the blanket between my hand and cheek to have the added comfort. If I don’t have my own thick blanket I cannot sleep.
Being in public places with a lot of people causes me to become irritable and annoyed. It is like being bombarded with sounds, smells, and movement. It makes it difficult for me to focus on the task at hand. I just want to get in and get out with minimal contact. When people in these places “get in my way” this irritates me to no end. My body goes into fight or flight.
I am pretty certain you despise it when I go fishing. I wish you could understand why it is essential for me. It is my safe harbor…a place I can go where I don’t worry about what I say, how I move or react, and never feel judged. Fishing isn’t just a place for me to get away and catch fish. It is place for me to heal. My thoughts are never cloudy or chaotic when I am on the water. It is one of the few places I can go and feel normal. Next time I want to go fishing....just think, it isn’t always the fish I am trying to find.

You may think I love being in big groups at a party and socializing with everybody and anybody. Little do you know, it takes everything I’ve got not to leave the party. It is difficult for me to be engaged in a conversation with everybody around me talking and having other conversations. When this occurs, I can hear a little bit of everybody’s conversation around me. People may think I am being rude or tuning them out…but in reality all I hear is a bunch of blurred conversations. I never understood why this occurred to me….often times I wonder….does this happen to everybody or just me? Deep down, I know it is me and it makes me really uncomfortable. Luckily, we have kids and it probably appears as if I am being overprotective and constantly watching over them. Little do people know, I feel awkward and a bit out of place because I cannot follow a conversation with all the chaos. Many times I will gravitate towards somebody with whom I feel comfortable which is often you, the kids, or in some cases off by myself. It sucks to feel like the awkward weirdo…which I often do. I always feel like people are looking at me or judging me for not being on the up and up about sports or their individual interests. I always think to myself….”little does she know” when you ask me not to leave you when we are at a party. I don’t want you to leave me!!! In fact, I want to be close to you. It makes me feel more at ease…however, know it is not normal for me to be involved with you and your girlfriends discussing menstrual cramps and Oprah. Thus find myself wandering about the party jumping from one conversation to the next.
I’ve never been able to successfully explain any of this to you. Believe me…I’ve written and thrown away more letters than I care to admit. Perhaps this one will be added to that list of many. In the long and short of it, I probably never would have been able to explain any of this if it had not been for our son and the research I’ve done on SPD. Little did I know I would find out the answers to so many questions I’ve had about myself all these years.
By no means am I writing this as a scapegoat or as an excuse for the way I act and react, but more so as sharing an aha moment. If anything, perhaps it will help you better understand some of my quirks. Hopefully it can provide you some closure and insight for those ongoing quirks.

Throughout my life people have labeled as hyper active, autistic, ADD, ADHD, anxious, unorganized, over react, fidgety, self destructive, loud, quiet, unruly, disobedient, depressed, scatterbrained, uncoordinated, nail biting, love to touch and be touched, absent minded, can’t follow directions, clumsy, sensitive, impatient, difficulty accepting defeat, panicky, bad listener, poor handwriting, pen chewing, slouchy, bad reader, disruptive, easily frustrated, overwhelmed, uncreative, etc. etc. etc.
When it comes down to it…I just want to be a normal person who has a normal life. I want to see things, hear things, and feel things the way everybody else does. I don’t want everything to be a struggle. I am tired of feeling like an outsider or a second thought. Instead of avoiding me…embrace me.
Next time you are frustrated with me…reach out and touch my hand…let me know you can hear me.