I read this, and smiled through your description of his difficult time - only because it sounded so familiar to me. Weddings - and large social gatherings in general - can be a nightmarish whir of sounds, smells, sights . . . it's an SPD's version of hell. Please remind him he is not alone!

The best thing you can do as a significant other is understand. Understand that if he needs a break, he needs a break, and if he feels agitated, it's part of his condition. I think those of us with SPD are perpetually fretting that we won't be enough for our significant others, friends, or family. It would only take the expression of support - you saying you care and you support him, followed by intense and focused understanding on your part - to put him more at ease.

The last time I was at a wedding was before I was diagnosed. I ended up at two Jewish weddings, one outdoors in the heat of a Mexican night, the other indoors - and packed - on a Sunday morning. Horrors. A Jewish tradition is a celebratory, spinning dance called a "hora," which is accompanied by loud, tangled music. I dread this moment at Jewish weddings because it's instantly too overwhelming for me and my sensory issues. I've learned to stand aside during the intense craziness and take photos - the camera in my hands makes me feel comfortable (hello, fidget), but also lets me act like I'm playing photog when all I want to do is hide under a rock.

Tools are so personal. I'm about breaks and fidgets, standing at the edge of a crowd or (sadly) berating myself in another room. I bet he's taught himself a few coping mechanisms over the years. I'm sure the wonderful examples above would help too.

I'm more concerned about your mental state right now. I know you feel selfish, and that's normal. How can any of us really understand what it's like in someone else's head? Picture the worst situation imaginable for you personally, the place that would make your skin crawl and your head burst, the event that would make you wish you could blend into the wall and cry until you had no strength left. Now picture being there on a daily basis. Welcome to the life of someone learning to cope with SPD. He needs someone to hear him, acknowledge his disorder, support his needs, and love him regardless. I know you are capable of this, even if it involves explaining to friends at parties that he's got a neurological disorder. People just don't know enough about SPD yet, and as a significant other, you are accepting the responsibility of helping spread the word. You do, after all, want him to be understood.

Anyhow, it's manageable on all sides. Neither of you are alone - he is part of this growing group of ours, and you are part of an equally growing group of newly-educated and ever-supportive significant others. We are lucky to have you on our side.

Best wishes,

Rachel S.
M.A. candidate, Mental Health Counseling
Yeshiva University, Class of 2013
comingtosenses.blogspot.com