that's a tough spot! I can see that it would be a problem on a daily basis! I don't have SPD, but I often refer to myself as a "frazzled mess." It takes a lot to deal with my kids and it gets me acting crazy myself. I know that when my son has a motor planning problem, for example, if I get it in my head that he WILL follow directions and put the cup on the table or whatever then I feel myself getting heated up and poof I start yelling. I don't want to be the mom that yells.... ESPECIALLY when it is simply that my kid is frozen in time with a motor planning problem, not a behavioral one. Sad thing is the yelling will jolt him out the freeze and magically he can follow directions and make a motor plan, so I'm like Pavlov's dog here being taught to go for the scream (make sense?)

anyway, I don't know how much that is the same or not... but I think the answer is to be even more keyed into what is going to set you kid in a tail spin. If you see the signs, then if you have time to react with in a positive way, then great, if not, at least provide some space for you and you kid so you aren't adding to each others overload.

How old is your kid? can you stand on the front porch for example? So her meltdown isn't right in your face?

Have you tried classical music? Or a noise machine?
just thoughts...