CURSES....

5:58 am, it started with heavy mirrored sliding medicine cabinet doors in bathroom slammed open, slammed shut, the faucet turned off and on, off and on, off and on. DH is Shaving. No hopes of going back to sleep. I will hear sliding of double mirror door closet doors, hangers sliding back an forth, on a metal bar soon and a belt buckle – hitting itself, until it is fully buckled. Then there is the low bass like hum behind my head – farm machinery – in the valley, that gets trapped in a cove, right at my wall, right at my head. Curses... I jump up out of bed, quick grab my glasses and put my slider flip flops on, and get out of the first “dodge”, of the day. (I cant sleep in the same room as DH for the last 2 years)

The wheels start turning – can I be sure that it is farm equipment this time? Maybe it is one of the AC’s in the house. I turn one off a lot, since I can hear it vibrating the whole house – above anything else. The window is in bad condition, and the AC cant be secured well. Will that ever get fixed? Curses! As soon as I make way – quickly - to escape the hangers, and belt sounds, I realize that the hum is, indeed, coming from down at the farm. A hum that will bring me to tears at some point if it doesn’t stop in a decent amount of time. I am not so sure that I could drown out a sound that I can almost feel. I escape to the kitchen, realize that I must go to the bathroom, I go to the door, which is still closed and the light is on. I guess DH is in there still, – “are you okay dear?” comes from the MB – I see him in front of my closet doors, fixing his tie, and see the florescent light above the vanity on. I curse again – to myself, “Yes, I am alright” – no - I am annoyed, that its “seems” like “I” have a problem, because I thought someone was still in the bathroom, based on my observations, I say to myself.

I decide on a cup of coffee (my one a day) and listen to a 6 foot 3 inch, 200+ pound man, run up the stairs, and down the stairs(I hope he doesn’t wake the kids up) – then down the wood basement stairs, and up them again.(Seriously?) I hear the bucket from a dehumidifier emptied and then slammed back into the machine. I am worried that he may have splashed the water on himself, because he doesn’t smell the bit of bleach I added to the bucket yesterday (more than likely) and so he is not careful with it – I can hear that. But at least he emptied it today. That’s one thing less I will have to do today. I now smell the bleach upstairs.

My 20+ pound cat meows at me – because 1 of the 2 bowls of food is empty(2 bowls because he has an anorexic sickly sister). I am happy that I did not “ching” the coffee cups, while getting one. I did not burn myself with the hot water, spill the instant grounds, or spill my, coffee yet. I made it to the computer table with out spilling it, score! I sit at the computer, and hear the hum of the tower, the fan whirring is annoying me. There is the feedback on the monitor speakers that I cant turn off, it gets higher pitched, the brighter the screen is(why?). I opt to find nature sounds on my itunes library and turn that on, which cancels out the speakers feedback, but I still hear the hum/whirr of the tower and the Farm. I hear the dreaded dehumidifier humming in the basement too – as always – despite buying new ones all of the time – I have learned (finally this year, its me, not them). Curses....

The back of my sinuses hurt, just like every morning – with dry mucus. I think about what I must accomplish today? Too much. I may take on the food store today – but I never want to. I have to take an envelope to a school for a camp. I will have to take the dreaded shower at some point. There is a time window for me to have a better than normal day. I wonder if I will make that? Sometimes the shower event is more than enough to break me for the day.....it’s a story in itself....

Its cloudy. It could possibly rain the next two days, I saw yesterday. Sometimes that means air pressure issues for my ears and head. It also means earthworms – and the smell of them – that I can detect, even in my water. My phobia of the earthworms – makes it a challenge to leave my house, if I must dodge a million nuclear sized ones, to get to my car – but there is no escaping the smell. I have wondered about the pressure changes, and how my body feels in the last 2 years = pain. Humidity is never welcomed in my world either. The smells that intensify and I cant escape – have brought me to tears – many times. The upside – hands down(?) – the possibility of a power outage. It is like heaven to me. Its how I woke up yesterday! The power went off – no idea why – but the beautiful silence woke me up – and I liked it. Rain is necessary for me to continue seeing the beautiful greens, my favorite color. Everything is a catch 22. Curses.....

I am now awaiting my husbands inquiry/and assault of information that I will get (and forget), no matter what. I am already highly annoyed, and since I cant hide that fact from my face, I may be interrogated about it. All discussions lead to an argument nowadays. I am lucky this morning, he just tells me that he has a meeting in a town, that I don’t know. He tells me he probably wont be home for dinner – Dinner! I cant even tell you the things that bounce into my head, over that comment, alone. Can I? No...it’s another long story. If will be home in time for dinner, he will call and let me know – really? Why??? Then he informs me about his next day – he may be home for dinner? Then Wednesday – he is going to try to change that day up, since our son will probably be pitching in a playoff baseball game, now that he was given the green flag to play again – since he fractured his foot and back. I hope I can go.

For 20 years – DH has never had a schedule any one would call reliable. I gave up making fancy dinners long ago. Now I struggle to make a bland and predictable “meal” for my youngest – who is SPD like me. I eat many types of food though, so this has been difficult. But I now have so many struggles myself – I don’t blame it on my DS, I blame it on the mess that will be made, and my lack of drive, and so many other variables. Another long, long story..... How many times have I cursed already?? Dinner?....I just woke up......Curses.....

DH says “you have a jungle in the back round?” ( on the computer I am sitting at) I look at the picture in front of me, which is only an outline around a news page, and am confused – until I realize, he meant the summer forest birds singing in the back round. I am annoyed again, thinking – how did that translate to a jungle??? Am I annoyed at me, for the confusion, or him? I am feeling like a winner though this morning – because I avoided detection, and no argument occurs!!! He leaves, I breathe again, still I hear the farm equipment.........its only 6:23 am. Curses.................