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+--- Thread: New, Lost and a bit angry (/thread-1686.html)
New, Lost and a bit angry - Annalost - 09-11-2015
Hi Everyone. I have been reading posts and stories on this website for a few days now. I am a mother to 2, yes 2 SPD boys, so I am not new to all the symptoms, meltdowns and crazy ups and downs of the SPD life. What I AM new to is being diagnosed with it myself after 39 years of feeling lost, confused and foreign to everything in life.
As soon as I found out about myself everything made sense and I felt so much relief to find out its an actual THING and not just me being weird and quirky (ok, I am weird and quirky) now it all makes sense.
I have been feeling a bit of anger lately realizing that I have been struggling with something for all these years and no one noticed, especially not my pedestrian who I was very close to all my child life.
As soon as I was diagnosed literally all these memories came flooding in. Has this ever happened to anyone? Like flashbacks of all the hellish panic attacks, tantrums, and moments of sheer humiliation from reactions I never understood to random things. I self diagnosed myself with Bi-Polar, Anxiety, ADD, BPD...you name it...but every time I looked at the symptoms it just didn't add up.
I have felt like a freak, an imposter, a complete alien for so long that I just learned to accept it.
Anyway, I wanted to list all my "issues" so that maybe some of you can see how you relate. I first want to start off by saying my 10 year old is a seeker and my 6 yr old son is an avoider. I find myself almost in the middle, but slightly reaching the avoider side.
These are things I deal with:
My sense of smell is insane. I can smell anything and if it's gross I wanna puke. Garlic is my nemeses. Its smell makes me down right angry. Vanilla and spicy scents calm me down. Anything floral makes me happy but not happy like normal happy, almost giddy and hyper.
My sense of pain is WAY off. I gave birth to 4 (amazing) kids and it never really hurt. My tolerance is high and it scares me.
Heights make my skin crawl. Even a 2 story home or building make me have panic attacks.
Public places have gotten worse for me as I got older. If people are in my "bubble" I get upset and even loud about how people are just too close to me. I will hyperventilate if someone is too close at the checkout line for example. The idea of a crowd just makes me panic and I just can't deal. Grocery shopping makes me freeze. I can't even get myself to walk into 1 alone. I panic and leave. Lets just say I do drive thru a lot.
Touch: I get massages ALOT. My favorite thing is my hair being brushed. If I am having a panic attack, brushing helps soooo much.
Relationships: I can't keep one, can you? They put me into fight or flight mode and I just can't deal. 1 mistake on any guys part and I am OUT. I recently found a great man and he's going through therapy with me, so there is hope.
Feeling sensations: Everything on my body needs to feel the same on both sides. I have to wear a ring on both hands. If I am walking and step on a rock, I have to step on a rock with the other foot. It was worse when I was younger because as an adult I find it dumb and I push past it.
Social Side: I CANNOT talk on the phone. I will not answer it. I will text you, but do not call me unless I know what's coming. I have a HUGE fear of the unknown conversation. I struggle at work since the phone is a huge part of what I do, but I manage it ok and have a "system" I use to handle the calls.
Friendships are impossible. I feel like everyone hates me and I cannot connect right with others. I am quite detached but I do wish I can build a platonic bond with a woman someday.
So there are some things about me. I am amazed that having kids with SPD I never noticed I may have it. I now know where they get it (poor kids) and I know how to help them through it. I can say I am grateful that they have me to understand them and I can help them overcome things as life goes on for them. Its a tough world already and having SPD is making it even tougher but I am strong and have come this far with all my weirdness and quirky things. I am positive by nature and never been depressed so I thank god for that everyday. Although I do have moments of not wanting to live with my "issues" I know that everything happens for a reason. I hope I can help others overcome fears and tough moments with SPD, and I hope that I can become friends with some of you out there that understand me better as I understand you better as well. We are not alone, ever.....