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+--- Thread: It Explains Everything (/thread-1415.html)
It Explains Everything - magnolia - 09-13-2014
Hi there,
I am 30 and just now realizing that SPD may be the explanation for most of my unusual quirks and issues in life. I came to discover it when my 4 year old daughter was diagnosed. She has been struggling with hitting/kicking/biting issues and rage since her little brother was born 6 months ago. In therapy, it was suggested that this may be her problem.
It became obvious to me right away that this could be my problem too, but I ignored the idea for a long time, until now. Yesterday I just finally realized that this is it. It is the explanation I have been long been searching for my entire life.
I have had a vomit phobia (emetophobia) since I was 8 and stopped eating for a year because I was too scared to vomit. Now I understand that maybe it's because the sensation of vomiting is much more intense for me than most.
I also started feeling anxious around that time in general. I hated being in restaurants in particular, and wouldn't eat. Even when eating resumed in my life, I still hated restaurants and struggled to eat in them for years. Too much stimulation. Now I understand.
I also have had struggles with insomnia since I was 14. It is so bad that as an adult, while I was pregnant I only slept every other night for one month, and I am almost completely incapable of napping. I doze through naps but my consciousness never really slips unconscious. Not like lucid dreaming but just like lucid dozing. Not super restful.
Also, quite significantly, blushing and sweating has been a very very strong problem for me in my life, which started around age 13. I blush at the drop of a hat. I blush almost every time I run into someone I know, or make a speech, or in a group situation if everyone is looking at me. My hands sweat quite easily when I am nervous. I also sweat a lot under my breasts and on my back when nervous. Blushing is more embarrassing than the reason why I am blushing, if that makes any sense. I can't stand that I blush so easily. I was homeschooled in 10th grade because it was so bad. The condition is called "hyperhidrosis" but I never understood why I had it, until now.
I also get goosebumps at the drop of a hat. If someone is telling a compelling story, or I'm watching a moving movie or even an emotional commercial (ugh) or pretty much any song can give me goosebumps. This is so embarrassing for me sometimes and I have spent a lot of time in my life covering up my goosebumps with clothing because I don't want to be THAT transparent. It's bad enough that I blush.
I feel like I can sense exactly what other people are thinking and feeling while I am interacting with them. I sense much more than anyone should ever, and my body reacts physiologically. Blushing, sweating, slight stuttering. I have never been able to hide that I was attracted to someone or charmed, or hide the fact that I knew the other person was attracted or charmed, if that makes sense.
I feel like I am naked all the time for that reason.
Yes, I stumble over my words, QUITE a bit. That's why I love writing. I don't stumble over my words while writing. I occasionally stutter but it happens so rarely that it surprises me when it happens.
There's more too that I have become aware of in the last few days that could be connected to SPD. But it's such a long list.
At this moment I feel angry that my parents didn't discover this was my problem to proactively help me find tools to create a better life for myself. I'm feeling very angry, even though logically I absolutely forgive them. I suppose I am doing much more for my children than I feel they ever did for me, as I am a stay at home mom and they both worked full time and neither parented me or my sister 100%.
I guess I understand that SPD for me has not been entirely a negative thing. I am deeply empathetic and sympathetic for others. I can make anyone feel comfortable because I know what it takes to be comfortable (which is part of why I make a great birth doula!) I feel emotions very strongly, and very physically, which can be a wonderful thing. Most of the time, I am cheerful and content. I do not feel like SPD has ruined me, but I do feel like I am looking forward to seeing how I can manage it better.
I haven't been diagnosed by a professional, so please let me know if my "symptoms" are in alignment with what SPD can look like.
Hobbies and interests: birth, motherhood, hospice, DMT, Ayahuasca, lucid dreaming, out-of-body experiences, knitting, playing piano/harp, dancing, and spending as much time with my family (and friends!) as possible.
RE: It Explains Everything - Dani - 11-28-2014
Hi magnolia! It can be quite an amazing find, can't it? It sure explained a heck of a lot of things to me, haha! I hope you are able to find some good community here, no matter how slow it may currently be moving, heh.
I can really, really, really relate to your vomit phobia! It has been among my chiefest of fears for years and years now. It is such a horrible sensory experience! And the feelings that come along with it are so terrible as well! I can honestly say though that occupational therapy has helped to at least take some of the 'sting' out of the whole situation though. For years I was too afraid to even say words like 'vomit', 'puke' or 'throw up'. I would even cover my ears and pretend it didn't exist.
It's good to actually meet someone who is about as terrified of the whole thing as I am. Great to hear from you. Please feel free to post around. Thanks!