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+--- Thread: Transitions and handling "no". (/thread-1058.html)
Transitions and handling "no". - megola - 11-10-2013
My son (7) has SPD and ADHD. He and I are struggling. When he is focused on an idea or game - the transition out of it to something else is usually volatile. And heaven help me if I have to give an answer of "No." He throws fits that are getting violent, hitting and punching me. There seem to be two schools of thought on how I can handle this. One is to ignore him. Give this behavior no attention. I have tried this. It gets bigger and can go on for an hour (which is not an option when we are trying to get to school). It also hasn't stopped them from happening. There is also the idea of "attachment parenting" which is to keep my boundary of "no" but to be with him, let him sit on my lap, etc. This works a little better and I feel better doing this, but the tantrums calm then when the answer is still "no" he goes into it again..... I feel this behavior is attached to his SPD. I think that he gets overwhelmed with his emotions and can't process them. I could really use some advice- help - perspective on the best approach to help him.
RE: Transitions and handling "no". - Tuttleturtle - 11-10-2013
Do you make him transition fast? That can be really hard on people.
"You'll need to change activities in 5 minutes" or in a game "One more turn then we're done"
Even maybe with a visual clock for how much time is left. The visual analog timer clock things are cool.
Suddenly asking for a transition is very sudden.
The other way to approach it is to transition to something short and nicer, and then down to what you're wanting to do. Thing that is liked -> Thing that is liked more -> Thing that is liked less
Where thing in the middle is shorter and less getting stuck in it mentally, but the increased preference makes the transition to it from the first easier.
Similarly, stepping down, and organizing what order things are in so it goes
Special Thing! -> Fun predictable thing -> Thing that's not as nice
makes transitions easier than going Special Thing -> Thing that's not as nice
(Like in a school: Party -> Recess -> Schoolwork instead of Party -> Schoolwork)
RE: Transitions and handling "no". - Esmee - 11-11-2013
(11-10-2013, 03:06 AM)megola Wrote: (...) - the transition out of it to something else is usually volatile.(...) how I can handle this. One is to ignore him.(...)Ignoring reminds me of people who think his behavior is due to 'attention seeking'. People thought that about me. But it is a mistake, attention seeking is not the issue and that's why it did not help me at all. It only made me feel misunderstood and ignored. Cause definately there is a problem. But the problem is because of its complexity not so easy to resolve. Tuttleturtle gives a good advice I think.
RE: Transitions and handling "no". - Kate_M - 11-12-2013
Definitely count down to any change - 10 minutes, 8, 5, 3, 1. Then stick with it. Be consistent with it so they get to know that you mean it, so they need to understand what "2 more minutes and then..." means.
I'm finding gentle discipline - quiet time to calm down, then sitting on my lap away from everyone else and asking "what's going on with you" (nicely, as an introduction to discussing what's bothering him) helps far more than time out / shouting (never works, often makes things far worse), etc.
Ask him why "no" upsets him so much. Obviously no one likes to be told they can't do what they want, but this seems to be a trigger all by itself. Ask him what he feels would be fair - I can do this with my son who is 7 as well. Sometimes he has an idea. Mostly I have to suggest things and then he will say if he thinks it's fair or not.
Like we got him a magnifying glass... what's the first thing a little boy wants to do??? I had banned him outright from trying to make something burn using the magnifier, but after I busted him doing exactly that, I realised it wasn't a fair expectation to set. I know how curious I was when I was little and how much "fun" it was to experiment and see what happens. So I told him new rules: he has to ask first, and someone has to be with him (mom or dad). He agreed that that was fair and so far we've kept to the deal
Obviously you can't do this in every instance but I think bending on a few things helps them react better when you can't bend on others. *shrug* maybe???
RE: Transitions and handling "no". - LAC1961 - 11-13-2013
Our OT recommended a Time Timer. It shows the time left in red so the child can "see" how much time is left. We didn't want to spend the money on the timer, so we use the minute hand on the clock to let her know how much time she has left. She seems to respond well to it and notices the hand is getting closer to the number we specified.